I love a good list.

Here’s a list of things I try to keep to myself:

• “I thought you were pregnant.”
• “Why did you get a job in customer service if you don’t like people?”
• “(To a married person) How was that not a deal-breaker for you?”
• “And I’d believe you if you were someone else.”
• “Most likely comfort eat, masturbate, and go to sleep.”
• “I feel a little bit of life drain from me whenever you start talking.”
• “You’re wrong, but you seem passionate about it, so let’s see what happens.”
• “All the people you’ve had in your life until this point are ass holes for letting you get away with being this kind of person.”
• “Because you’re white.”
• “Because you’re black.”
• “Your anger toward a stranger implies that you hate your life at this moment.”
• “Because of your ego, you’ll miss a lot of important lessons.”
• “I’ve been thinking about how much time has passed since I ate something, so I can seem more comfortable in this conversation.”
• “I switched off when I realized you were speaking to me and not with me.”
• “You’ve used two words incorrectly, but continue.”
• “I don’t know if I’m as smart a person as I believe. I miss some easy life test questions.”
• “You don’t realize that I already answered your question, do you?”
• “Why didn’t we meet before I got married?”
• “But if you are so happy, why so much effort to prove it?”
• “I don’t care about a lot of things going on with other people. I just don’t have the room in my mind, because I think in circles about my own problems.”
• “I farted a little bit over there. I’m gonna go again right here, then walk away after 10-15 seconds.”
• “No thanks – there’s probably something I want to watch on firestick [affiliate link].”
• “Don’t make it a personal thing; your disposition seems volatile.”
• “WOW, she’s your mom?!”
• “I’m capable of ignoring a lot of hints – like a real lot.”
• “I’m going to come off as a bad father because I believe the lessons we learn on our own stick the best.”
• “We invented religion. How else could there be so many?… I still favor my own.”
• “If I could go back in time, I’d still be blinded by infatuation.”
• “That probably wouldn’t be as funny if you weren’t as high ranking.”
• “Grown-up is a relative term.”
• “Most of the things I tell myself that I don’t understand are just denial. #Ibeknowing”
• “You shouldn’t have pets.”
• “Why don’t we drink human milk if any at all?”
• “I laughed at that meme hours ago, but yeah.”