As someone wrapping up a drawn out divorce, I’ve had to answer this question multiple times. Will I remarry?

Wedding season (aka Summertime) reminds me of one instance where I gave an answer that was completely self-serving. Later, I really regretted it.

Let me walk you through what I said, why it bugged me, and what I should have said.

Who’s Asking

Recently, I had the opportunity to work temporarily at the fitness center with a small group of Airmen. One of these spirited youths was a 22 year old, married military-to-military, british-speaking, first-time expectant mother.

This was the fall of 2017. She wasn’t yet showing. In December her and her young husband would be separated by her husband’s assignment to a one year, unaccompanied overseas base. Their baby – who we now know is a beautiful baby girl who’s all eyes and hair – would be born in April 2018. I give these facts for context.

One day the subjects of my children and divorce were a topic. She asked “Do you think you’ll ever marry again?”

What I Said

I was supposed to take a deep breath to relax myself, consider my surroundings, then deliver an honest, objective answer.

But nope! I jumped out of my Reeboks for a chance to project my pain. “Uh nooo,” I said bitterly. “I can’t give someone that much power over me again.”

Wow, dude. You really just took a huge dump on marriage to a 20 year old who’s likely carrying on her shoulders every insecurity imaginable for a military woman. And why? For what?

So I could pad my ego, because my dream marriage didn’t work out? That was a dick move that was no help to either of us. In fact, I think it sucked the air out the room and just killed the conversation.

What I Should Have Said

There were definitely better answers that were just as honest. For example, I could have simply said “It’s too early to say.” Also, I could’ve told her that I tried it and found out it wasn’t for me – kinda like baseball.

Honesty can be a butterknife or an axe. Sure, I stuck to my guns, but I didn’t need to be so negative. It felt really irresponsible.

Bugged Me for Months

In that moment, I disregarded my influence. We see scenarios like this all the time (especially in the military): a young person looks for answers in someone older or more experienced.

Later, I felt like I violated that unspoken trust we have in the people that have walked our paths. You know that layer of trust between us and authority figures? Yeah, that.

I called it irresponsible, because of how strongly I believe in handing off knowledge that will help our replacements. I think your position in life, social class, job, celebrity are all irrelevant to the fact that someone is watching you. Someone is being influenced by you.

The Point

My message here is to be careful. Actually, no. Just care. Care about what someone can learn from you. This short episode between me and someone 15 years younger was a shot right in the conscious. I had to seriously rethink myself, and I apologized.

I started to realize we can’t be so careless with what we say to each other.

I won’t promise a positive answer for the next time someone asks about me remarrying. I’ll agree to an honest and objective answer.