Some human beings are just born beautiful: perfect teeth, thick hair, flawless skin, piercing eyes, statue-like physiques, 10 functioning toes, etc. They are gorgeous human specimens – pretty people – who happen to get all the best features from their parents. Today, they are often targets of unprovoked abuse.
Pretty Person Punishment
And what is their crime? What makes an attractive person such a target for shade, jealousy, or discrimination? I wanted to know from where the hate flowed and how self-aware pretty people respond to it — a condition I’m calling Pretty Person Punishment (PPP).
Not only did I feel unqualified to make my case alone, I knew that firsthand experience was the best way to support this discussion. I reached out to two socially conscious, emotionally intelligent young ladies for insight. Two of my friends, Ashea and Jessica, gave me their candid takes on the subject.
- It’s a They thing.
- The best defense is to play offense.
Not a You Thing But a They Thing
Bully Refresher
Some of us didn’t understand bully dynamics until we were adults. Let me refresh you.
A bully is born from someone that dislikes something about themselves. The bully behaves aggressively or contemptuously toward the person or group that reminds them of their perceived inadequacy(ies). They are the poster children for insecurity.
Contrary to every teen movie ever made, fighting the bully is not the best way to get rid of them. By far, the most efficient way to end a bully’s terror is to THRIVE in spite of the hate. It’s the attention that gives them the win and the power.
Self-esteem is in the heart – left-atrium to be exact. If you were fortunate enough to have grown up with parent figures, family members, or friends that nurtured the best things about you, it’s likely you grew up with high self-esteem. And by some unfortunate law of the universe, you also became a target for someone with low self-esteem.
Praise and admiration of your innate abilities were good enough to help you embrace your center, but they might not have done a great job in developing a thick skin. Even the most self-confident people have to be reminded that there is a group of people that are dead set on living a mediocre life and assisting you with hating yours.
The Cause of Pretty Person Punishment
In fact, what Jessica told me brought fear and envy to the forefront when I asked her the first question “What is the source of PPP?”:
“People hating on other individuals is deeply rooted in fear. That is fear that they will never accomplish what you have accomplished; that they will never be as good of a parent as you are; they will never find a spouse that seems as good as yours; that they will never have the opportunities that you have. It could literally be anything, but it’s definitely rooted in fear of who they perceive themselves to be in comparison to you.”
People act out of fear to protect themselves from a threat. Her point made me wonder how much of this kind of behavior is psychosis. The negativity is so commonplace on social media now, we’re probably numb to a lot of it. But is there a little part of you that watches unprovoked abuse happen and wonders where someone could get that hatred or rage? I’ve been on the internet for a while now, and I never get used to people saying things they wouldn’t dare say in person.
The statement Jessica said next reminded me again of why I f’s with her:
“What’s even crazier is that if they took all that energy and put it somewhere else instead of comparing themselves,…they could actually attract better people in their lives.”
It’s really sad to watch someone go hard at making someone else feel like doodoo – whether they’re strangers or even roommates! There’s so much time and energy wasted.
Whoye West
In the post Whoye West, I ask wreaders to consider the intentions of the people in their circles
When I asked my friend Ashea what she felt the source is, she brought into light an idea I’ve wondered about for a long time. She suggested that an offender would justify their feelings by convincing themselves someone is pretty enough for their negative attributes to go ignored or be pushed aside:
From Ashea “I see attractiveness as a privilege, and other people’s insecurities and lack of such access makes it easy to pick on those with it because of the assumption that either the benefits outweigh and buffer the negative, or good ol’ misery loves company[as if to say]: ‘I can’t have that, so I’m gonna devalue it or hurt you some way to make me feel better’.”
Something I’ve felt when I’ve been a violator is that beautiful people “can handle it” as if their appearance activates a forcefield around them. Of course it’s crazy talk, but I don’t think I’m alone in wanting to view really attractive people as superpowered in some way. This point is a great lead in to defending against the forces of beauty hatred.
The Best Defense
Both ladies were congruent on the point that insecurity/inadequacy is at the root of PPP. My second claim was that the best defense is to play offense. We answered the question of PPP’s source. But my contributors’ answer to the second question was a lot more meatier for me. I asked them both, “How do you navigate around or through the ugliness you’ve been exposed to?”
The gem in Jessica’s response about avoiding and stiff-arming the negativity was that it’s entirely based on your own self-talk and actions. It echoed accountability and reaffirmed that it’s a they thing:
“You need to be a grounded person in this life, because the only thing you’re here to do is live your best life…Do the things that you want to do, because this life is too short. So you need to take what other people say about you and other actions that they try to take against you with a grain of salt. And keep it moving. Avoid those people. Do not think that it has anything to do with the person that you actually are.”
In the response, her focus is completely internal. Not one sentence says to battle with haters.
My favorite part here is seeing both of my contributors make the same point with different words.
Out the gate, Ashea was clear that she doesn’t entertain the hate – a point that was emphasized by her initial response to the question:
“Ok, so I may or may not be a helpful source because I have a defense mechanism ingrained in me that diffuses such feelings/behavior…”
When I processed that sentence, it read like “I shut that sh*t down!”
However, that’s not saying she’s impervious. She went on to explain how she’s conditioned herself, “This is mostly a choice based on my awareness of how I am viewed, received and how I am most effective.”
Read that again. Do you notice the internal focus? It takes concentrated effort to keep self-awareness activated. It’s like a rechargeable battery for your mental state.
I won’t quote our entire conversation, but each of Ashea’s responses began as sort of a disclaimer. Even if inadvertently, she was defending against the idea of her appearance being glorified. It was both ironic and affirming. Easily ammunition for future jokes.
Don’t Call Me Pretty
While I was working on the draft, Ashea and I had a phone call, and I pointed out to her the theme in her responses. Of course, she understood where I was coming from with having asked her to give input on this post. But her reflexive action was to immediately shut down the notion of her appearance being the point of value.
She was literally answering the question without answering the question. To elaborate, here’s how she feels about the place her appearance has in her self-image:
“My looks are the least of my attributes AND I’m an empath, so it’s easy for me to accept when it triggers folks. I’m able to be ok with it [but] it really has been quite a nuisance to my other values thanks to those who praise it above all. (Exs: I’m too pretty to have so many opinions, I’m wasting my looks on [whatever – being a tomboy, not wearing my hair long, entrepreneurship, higher education, etc.])”
It seems the best defense is a good offense cultivated under careful introspection. BTW I’m saying the offense/defense thing backwards to piss off people that watch sports.
The Surprise Findings
There were some surprise findings in this experiment. On the call with Ashea, the more we talked the more I realized how much she actively forces her higher value qualities to stand out front. Also, I started to understand that having to constantly make your appearance less appealing than your other qualities is exhausting. Having to regularly promote other character traits so they outshine your appearance is something that I might never relate. But that’s the plight of women who live in a man’s world.
It was an Oh Snap Moment, and I don’t even say that anymore. It nearly changed the whole trajectory of this post because that was all I wanted to talk about after the eye-opening. Stay tuned for that discussion by the way.
Conclusion
In this post, we gave a name to the undiagnosed psychosis we’re calling Pretty Person Punishment. Although it’s born from emotions like envy and insecurity, hateful actions against others are not justifiable.
I’d like to think that I asked the right questions, but no, I just asked the right people. I really appreciate the insight from my contributors – friend-contributors, friendtributors. Both of them delivered and should be getting checks in the mail soon.
You can find Ashea on Linkedin @ asheafuller, and you can find Jessica P on Instagram @tattoooo_barbie. I do not promise that she will add you.
If you enjoyed this post and others, please help me grow my audience by rating my podcast in your podcast app. Also, let me know how you enjoyed this style. This is the first time I’ve asked anyone for direct input on a post.
I like it. Let me know in the comments or on Twitter what you think about it.
By the way Twitter and Instagram, my new handles are mkwrco. They are no longer mikewriting. (All of them are mkwrco all the social platforms you can think of are all a sweet 6-letter handle. And it is glorious sameness! *sniff* It’s all I wanted for Christmas!)