Racism can be quite the rascal.

With data from recent field studies, I’ve compiled a short list of ways to alleviate the headaches and downright inconvenience of racist encounters.

This list is by no means conclusive, factual, or sane. Please use with extreme caution.

Use the following at your own risk as I will be happy to deny any responsibility for an unfortunate incident.

The first on the list is a tried and true mitigator.

Food Distraction

When someone is on a racist warpath or two people are going head to head, they’ll forget all about their animosity when presented with a fine meal. Much like other animals, human beings are not immune to the appeal of the easy prey that is a well-prepared feast.

Think of a scenario where a dog chases a rabbit. If someone threw a juicy, rare steak in the dog’s eye-line, the dog’s brain would receive signals from his eyes, nose, and salivary glands that suddenly a much easier meal is available. Effectively, the rabbit momentarily disappears from the dog’s memory altogether. Likewise, the racial tension dissipates between our fired up slur slingers. Now that’s taking a bite out of racism!

Open Register

An older person stands in the checkout line behind a minority and does their best stoic impression amidst the minority parent’s mixed-race child’s unquestionably cute advances.

He/She may be seething inside at the profound audacity of interspecies’ pairing. To deflate the racism bubbling inside of him/her, open a new register. This gives our eye-cutting, silent assailant an opportunity to be disgusted with someone else — for example, Cashier Latasha’s beautifully crafted purple fingernails that match the highlights in her hair.

Mutual Hate

Present the finest fellow white supremacy has to offer and a most militant radical Muslim with a successful Jewish family enjoying an afternoon stroll, and you got yourself a real WWE tag team title contender.

There will be nothing more certain than their mutual blame for the Jews of the world being responsible for their respective kind’s shortcomings as a people. This one could even work if a Jewish person appears on a television screen in view of both parties.

Revolver

The person with the gun — or in the case of both parties being armed, the person who draws first — will significantly reduce the threat of racism in his surroundings. A racist will likely flee with a fervor matching or exceeding the level of his/her previous aggression.

WARNING! This method will — pun intended — backfire if the racist is an on/off duty law enforcement officer. At this point, any object in a minority’s hands i.e. pistol, candy, wallet, air will be seen as a threat to the officer. The person will die horribly. For that reason, this method should be limited to altercations involving trespassing on private property. And good luck with that one as well!

Adoption

Adopting a child of a race one may have felt bigoted toward or expressed biased against is a certain path to defeating racism. Views of superiority will vanish as one accepts the idea that this child is actually “human just like me”.

Adopting parents will rest well every night in the comfort of knowing their choice of raising the child to be racially ambiguous will positively impact the child’s self-identity and path to success. WARNING: Not applicable in the United States of America where one is as one appears.

Sports Team

Playing on a sports team has proven for decades to stop racism in its tracks. Personal feelings of superiority or rage are kept off the field, court, or track. Once that clock starts, the only characteristics in a racist’s view are athleticism and prowess.

Buds of racism simply cannot bloom on a sports team, because every player recognizes themselves as a part of one cohesive unit on a mission for the W.

Military Service

Decades of war and peacetime operations have proven that devoting your life to the service of your country is a sure way to retard the flames of racism.

Once a minority dons the uniform of their countrymen, they shed all past race-consistent inadequacies and stereotypes. From the moment their boots are laced, they are recognized among citizens and peers as only Selfless Heroes.

Marry Up

When all else fails, there is no greater way to end racism than to marry someone of a higher race, education level, family lineage or family net-worth than your own. While the choice of bait can be a little tricky, the reward for persevering will be great and lasting for generations. Quite the trophy, achieving success in marrying up means exemption from attending traditional family gatherings, weddings, funerals, and any other activities that could remind you of your former social status.

Don’t be afraid to breed! Fingers crossed your offspring’s appearance will be passable among the perceived superior race. If not welcomed as one of their own by very fine people, at the least your child will become the tolerated token ethnic person.

Diversity Requirements

Separating marbles may have worked as a kid, but it doesn’t stand a chance in the corporate environment. You gotta mix it up, buddy! It’s important to not get too crazy here: stick to the numbers. They’re there for a reason. One extra Asian person in accounting, one too many blacks on the executive council and an organization could implode on itself.

For the success of the company, make the tough hiring decisions, and stick hard to those minimums.

Alien Invasion

If anything can be learned from science fiction, it’s that nothing unites humanity better than the threat of hostile alien life forms. Prepare for the warm embrace of brotherly love and racial equality in the face of impending doom.

Once the alien threat has subsided, everyone will be free to give thanks to their respective gods in their respective ethnicity-dominant churches.

Last, but not least

Video Tape

Although the term itself is ancient, videotaping a racist in the act is an extremely reliable knock it off. Whip out a camera, and the coldest grinch will scurry like a cockroach from the kitchen light.

If you’re lucky, sometimes a racist will even wear a video recording device attached to their clothing. Now that’s someone committed to the highest standards of impartial justice!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this comprehensive manual. Again, let me be clear that this list is not conclusive.

My only intent is to systematically end racism in a manner similar to that in which it has been systematically imposed.

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