The popularity of Vincent van Gogh in the 20th and 21st century is undeniable. But when he died at age 37, no one knew his name. A man, an artist, who uncompromisingly put himself into every canvas died penniless.

Of more than 800 paintings and 700 drawings over the span of 10 years, only one piece sold in his life. That wasn’t the worst part of his story. The real tragedy was that he never got to see the impact of his work.

This looked like weakness to me, initially. Like he didn’t want it enough. But when I started digging into his life, I realized he wasn’t a losing player at all. He was the artist that we wish we could be. I’m going to explain why.

But first, let’s get on the same page about the word ego.

Ego: Definition vs Perception

Merriam-Webster defines ego as “the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world. It seems very commonplace that we mix up ego with egotism. Both describe a person’s perception of themselves but with one huge difference.

Egotism is when a person is not only the center of their world, but they also believe that they are the center of everyone else’s world. Start a lot of sentences with “I”, magically make most issues about themselves, that sort of thing. You know the type. You can probably think of one or two right now.

The ego can be summed up as a container for your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s neither a good guy or bad guy.

We needed to make that comparison to continue.

Vincent van Gogh’s Defiance

Studying Van Gogh in detail, I originally thought “He didn’t believe in himself”, “He didn’t demand that people respect his work”, and “His ego was not on its job.”

But I had it wrong. Van Gogh’s ego was what drove him to continue to create in spite of his works going unappreciated. He had himself figured out. Painting was the game he was meant to play.

Van Gogh was unrelenting in that his work would matter. And with his work not selling, it almost feels like an act of deviance that he kept showing up to blank canvases anyway. His career was only 10 years long. He wasn’t a child prodigy with serious skin in the game. But he was just like ok, this is who I am. This is what I do now.

Is It In You?

I want to create things that have huge impacts. But this Van Gogh thing forced me to wonder if I could love a craft and believe in its success so intensely that I stayed with it until I died. As much as I believe in my work succeeding, I’m positive that ANY endeavor I begin comes with an understood threshold – that line in the sand, that enough-is-enough, that ok-thats-a-wrap. I reserve the right to bail. There’s gotta be a cutoff point…right?

And my hesitation to answer that question, ‘Doesn’t there have to be a cutoff?’, is the reason why that guy with one ear and all those colors is the artist I want to be.

Honestly, I want to be that bold. That level of “in my zone” where people think you’re weird as hell, ya know?! That’s what I’m training for. And I think that process starts with erasing anyone else’s expectations from my brain.

Ego Power, Strong Center

I wanted to use a more modern example, but I couldn’t think of a more tenacious ego than the painter, Vincent van Gogh. I mean, dude actually killed himself. He’s dead; he wins. But there are some living heroes that should be mentioned in this conversation.

The first time I heard Gary Vaynerchuk say “double and triple down on your strengths”, I was like WORD! and shrugged it off as a good tip. Later after I started this draft, I heard him say again, and I thought “What have I been doing with my life?!”

Look, I want to spend an entire other essay explaining what’s so profound about this idea. However, I don’t want to rob you of your own interpretation.

In story form, I’ll explain what the concept of doubling down on strengths has helped me understand about myself.

A Military Story that Completely Relates to this Universally-Applicable Content

Somewhere around my 3rd to last assignment which was Barksdale AFB, Louisiana, I gave up on bringing myself to work – figuratively. I was in this place where I was 100% committed to playing the victim. Prior to Louisiana, I had gotten in trouble at my favorite assignment, Ramstein Air Base, Germany. I was given an assignment restriction that said I would not be able to apply for another overseas assignment until after a period of three years. So began the cycle of clock in, do the job, clock out. The only reason that I cared about going to work was because of the people. I had my bros and lady bros.

Eventually, I grew out of that mindset, and I wanted to be blue again. I applied twice for a special duty job called Defense Attaché. It was my picture of a dream job – working at embassies, traveling, giving presentations, meeting people, speaking foreign languages, Microsoft Excel. In fact, my score on the language aptitude test (DLAB Defense Language Aptitude Battery) was high enough to qualify for Category IV languages – on my first try. I was on my way!

Well, I submitted the first application aaaaand crickets. Nothing. I called to find out how I couldn’t possibly be a shoo-in for this job. Did they not read my letter? What are they looking for really? What do I need to do? I was told by the gentleman that reviewed applications that my performance reports were not strong enough to compete. And I’m sure he was being polite. It turned out that all my dedication to mediocrity had resulted in a series of matching mediocre annual performance reports – OPERATION YOU PLAYED YOURSELF

The second time I applied, I didn’t receive a response but instead got an assignment for Technical Training Instructor – 4 year minimum controlled tour at Keesler Air Force Base, Mississippi. I went back to F-the-Air-Force mode once again.

Keesler’s Unexpected Greatness

The unexpected prize in the Keesler assignment was that I discovered that I enjoy public speaking, presenting, teaching, and coaching. They were all skills that built on gifts that I had. And the highlight of the assignment was the formal training in public speaking and presenting. I still hold conversations like I’m being graded on things like clarity, brevity, and articulation.

In the span of my entire career, I never actually struck the balance of using my abilities effectively. Maybe I was slightly above average in counseling and teaching with metaphors. By nature, I’m empathetic and sensitive. I’m hugger! When you see me, bring it in! Within those last 3 years or so, I recognized the clash between what the military needed me to be and who I am. I would say the other 17 years, I was in denial or preoccupied with distractions. Unfortunately, I just was not able to get the two hemispheres to mesh.

I take full responsibility for not figuring out how to bring my strengths to the table. I could’ve put in more effort. There were moments like Honor Guard duty and the Keesler assignment where I got to see how I could shine. And those skills are now strengths that I’m actively cultivating with things like mikewriting.com.

That’s where the doubling, tripling down hits home for me. I’m not wasting any more energy on being good at sitting in meetings or having 20 teammates. But I’m mapping out ways to step up my speaking, teaching and presenting (podcastingblogger.com coming soon). I’m taking my mad question asking, mike passing interview and counseling skills to level 9000 (candiddad.com coming soon).

Figures in their Zone

I take inspiration from a lot of creators that make their own paths. I think of those certain people as being “unlocked.” They figured out what works for them in this world. Some are game changers, and some just created their own games.

I really believe that it’s the ego that helps someone go off course to create something that’s theirs. It takes boldness and just putting yourself out there like “This is my thing.”

Here’s a handful of examples:

Issa Rae’s; DJ Suede; Mr Doodle

Conclusion

The ego is that subsistence that has to be guarded especially for artists and creators. It’s that thing that lets us bounce back from rejection and keep trucking through mud. It’s sort of an unspoken faith in our gifts or skills.

Again I really see the ego as a container for self-image. And that container can be plastic or steel. Artist or not, you just gotta figure out your thing(s) and go all in on it. Double and triple down.

It might be difficult to see Vincent van Gogh as the model artist. Consider his devotion to a craft that left him broke and alone. It’s on a level that’s way beyond what most of us can comprehend – and probably just looks like crazy.

Can you work that hard? Can you love your art that much?