by Mike_Wr | Last updated Jul 23, 2017.

I love a good list.

    Here’s a list of things I try to keep to myself:

  1. I thought you were pregnant.
  2. Why did you get a job in customer service if you don’t like people?
  3. (To a married person) How was that not a deal breaker for you?
  4. And I’d believe you if you were someone else.
  5. Most likely comfort eat, masturbate, and go to sleep.
  6. I feel a little bit of life drain from me whenever you start talking.
  7. You’re wrong, but you seem passionate about it, so let’s see what happens.
  8. All the people you’ve had in your life until this point are ass holes for letting you get away with being this kind of person.
  9. Because you’re white.
  10. Because you’re black.
  11. Because of your ego, you’ll miss a lot of important lessons.
  12. Your anger toward a stranger implies that you hate your life at this moment.
  13. I’ve been thinking how much time has passed since I ate something so I can seem more comfortable in this conversation.
  14. I switched off when I realized you were speaking to me and not with me.
  15. You’ve used two words incorrectly, but continue.
  16. You don’t realize that I already answered your question, do you?
  17. Why didn’t we meet before I got married?
  18. But if you are so happy, why so much effort proving it?
  19. I don’t know if I’m as smart a person as I believe. I miss some easy life test questions.
  20. I don’t care about a lot of things going on with other people. I just don’t have the room in my mind, because I think in circles about my own problems.
  21. I farted a little bit over there. I’m gonna go again right here, then walk away after 10-15 seconds.
  22. No thanks – there’s probably something I want to watch on firestick.
  23. Don’t make it a personal thing; your disposition seems volatile.
  24. WOW, that’s your mom?
  25. I’m capable of ignoring a lot of hints – like a real lot.
  26. I’m going to come off as a bad father, because I believe the lessons we learn on our own stick the best.
  27. We invented religion. How else could there be so many?…I still favor my own.
  28. If I could go back in time, I’d still be blinded by infatuation.
  29. That probably wouldn’t be as funny if you weren’t as high in rank.
  30. ‘Grown up’ is a relative term.
  31. Most of the things I tell myself that I don’t understand are just denial. #Ibeknowing
  32. You shouldn’t have pets.
  33. Why don’t we drink human milk if any at all?
  34. I laughed at that meme hours ago, but yeah.




Things You Don't Say Out Loud (No Audio)