I love satire. It’s like a breathe of fresh air after a breathe-holding contest against a sibling.
A few weeks ago (on 12 Oct 2016 at 10:46pm Eastern Time), I sent an email to Duffelblog to become a contributor. Duffelblog is a satire news source with military and government themes.
They ask for some details about you i.e. name, military branch, etc. The stuff that gets you hired, I’m sure, are the 15 headlines and fake article requested.
Below are the funny-to-me headlines with the article I submitted. I can’t be 100% I didn’t get the job, but I said I’d let two weeks go by before I send another email with all new material – because obviously I’m going to keep sending. I handpicked a handful of friends for constructive feedback and mutual chuckles.
1. COURT-MARTIALED FOR ‘NOT ACTUALLY WORKING ON IT’
2. MILLENNIAL MISCONCEIVING REPRIMAND SAYS: ‘IT FELT FORCED’
3. SEASONED CONTRACTOR TRIES OUT ‘BRO’ IN PAINFUL ATTEMPT TO RELATE TO HIS E-3 BOSS
4. FIRST SERGEANT UNCOMFORTABLY FOND OF INVITATIONS TO TALK OFFLINE
5. BOOST PERCEPTION OF PRODUCTIVITY WITH THESE 10 TERMS: [VALUE ADDED, BASED ON FINDINGS, COURSE OF ACTION, LIMITING FACTORS, MISSION-ORIENTED, AND MORE]
6. CSAF READING LIST VOTED #1 SOURCE OF FORCED EPR BULLETS
7. AF ADDS MEDIOCRITY PLEA TO SHORTEN EPRS PROCESS
8. GAMBLING RING BROKEN: AIRMEN BET ON BOUNCES CHIEF TAKES TO AVOID GIVING DIRECT ANSWERS
9. HIGHEST RANKING HABITUALLY GETS AWAY WITH BAD IDEAS AS A RESULT
10. NCO ACADEMY GRADUATE FINALLY ADMITS HE’S MORE TOLERABLE IN SMALL DOSES
11. BETRAYED BY DD: AIRMAN RETURNS TO DORMS ON BIKE WITH NO SEAT
12. ROOKIE AIRMAN DETERMINED TO TALK OVER FLYING F-16’S
13. SSGT PROJECTS INSECURITIES BY TALKING UP PREVIOUS ASSIGNMENTS
14. CAF WEEK INTRODUCES ONE-UPSMANSHIP COURSE, BETTER THAN THE NEXT
15. COMMAND CHIEF’S ‘HOT DOG WATER’ REFERENCE FALLS FLAT AT AIRMEN BREAKFAST
NCO fails to make leadership ears bleed with rant he mentally rehearsed for going away
“And, dude, it’s a good thing Capt Strecho didn’t come! He has no idea how many times I almost Bro’ed him in meetings,” asserted TSgt Melvin Rex, a 12th Communications Sq section lead, to his young, seemingly paralyzed airmen who were mentally stranded between confusion and indifference in the heat of an Applebee’s parking lot.
The team knew for some time how TSgt Rex felt about the Flight Commander and had even made mockeries of the conflict while Rex was away at routine, extended medical appointments – better known by the Captain as “nowhere to be found.”
SSgt James, a trusted troop of Rex, jokingly recalled a staff meeting where Rex was confronted by Capt F*ckstack about data on a slide that had been somehow miraculously noticed amidst an ocean of useful, complete, timely-reported accomplishments. When Capt Righteouspants noticed the information hadn’t changed since the last meeting, he provoked “Are these the same numbers from last week, TSgt Rex? Are you telling us your guys have made ZERO progress in a week??”
The smug, effeminate officer – along with the entirety of the conference room – looked squarely at Rex expecting a response after having asked a real question paired with a rhetorical one typical of his pretentiousness. Rex reflexively stroked the left side of his furrowed brow with one finger as he leaned in confrontationally to retort “Sir, the numbers haven’t changed, because we didn’t get to this project last week. We’ve been swamped with inspection items.
Passively and peripherally glaring at Capt Steakface, Rex awaited acknowledgement from the head of the table, Lt Col Stanley, before continuing if needed. Capt Madbro couldn’t resist the opportunity for an audible sigh reminiscent of a fuckin 4 year old being shut down after asking to have dessert before dinner. With complete calm, Rex delivered an unthinkable, who-is-this-guy response in the direction of the projector screen declaring “If everything is high priority, then nothing is high priority,” then re-positioned himself against the back of his chair.
“BAHAHAHA Oh, man! I really said that out loud, didn’t I? Fun day…Well, I kinda warned them to stop making me go to meetings,” he shamelessly admitted patting James hard on the shoulder.
James marveled at these moments of Rex not so much for his clever candor and common sense methods but more so that Rex was able to maintain his stripes – like, all of his stripes – because he still somehow got things done in a manner akin to a high-functioning drug addict if the drug was prescription Apathy.